Communication is critical when developing
mutually beneficial and mutually enjoyable relationships. Relationships require
trust, and one of the best ways to develop trust is to focus on helping the
other person feel heard and understood.
Remember this important distinction:
There’s a big difference between hearing—that
is, simply receiving communication—and truly listening, which is the art of
paying thoughtful attention with a mind toward understanding the complete
message being delivered. Unlike simply hearing someone’s account, listening
requires maintaining eye contact, watching the person’s body language, asking
for clarification, and listening for the unspoken message
How skilled are you at truly listening as
described above? Even more importantly, is your heart engaged as well as your
mind? What are the obstacles you face to truly listening?
Show Sincere Interest
The
path to a really fulfilling and complete life is to never try to impress
others, rather build mutually beneficial relationships. Concentrate your energy
on getting to know as much as you can about people, focus on trying to
understand their dreams, Try to never
judge anyone, rather try to understand their point of view, you can learn from
anyone. Gaining an insight into their perspective may really help you in the long
run. Move away from always trying to be
right. When you show real interest in
someone you will more easily earn their trust and ultimately may identify a
mutually beneficial opportunity that serves both of you.
Questions
are the gateway to beneficial relationships
Give others the opportunity to share their world with
you; the new information may just be what you are looking for to help you accomplish
your new goal or new success. Always be
open to listen to people and try to understand their point of view. You don’t have to agree with their point of
view, but the information may assist you to improve or change your own
perspective for the better.
Always reflect back on what your perception of the
conversation is, and what you have heard.
It is always a good idea to periodically allow people to clarify what
they have said. This helps people to see
that you are really listening to them and that you value what they are saying.
Express Yourself
Okay, so we’ll talk about expressing yourself in a
moment, but pay attention briefly to the order in which we’ve addressed the two
parts of communication: listening and expressing yourself. Why do you think
that order is important?
“People can’t listen until they’ve been heard…. You first
need to let the other people speak about their needs and wants, hopes and
dreams, fears and concerns, hurts and pains, before you talk about yours. It
opens up a space inside of them to be able to listen to and take in what you have
to say.”
If that key is the only thing that you get from this
article, that in itself will have a huge impact on your conversations.
Get Clarity and Avoid making incorrect
Assumptions?
After carefully listening to the other person and
assessing their version of events, it then becomes appropriate for you to
express yourself. Always try to put things into the right perspective and
remove any ambiguity or confusing statements.
Two different people, having experienced the same event, could have
completely different views about it. Don’t assume that your view is the correct
one or that you know completely what the other person’s view is. Avoid assuming
that you know why they think or feel the way they do. Don’t draw conclusions
about their motive or what they’ll do now.
Difficult Conversations, written by Douglas Stone, Bruce
Patton and Sheila Heen, calls each person’s view a “story.” We experience
events differently, because we’re telling ourselves different stories about
those events. Where do the different stories come from? From the available
information, we observe or notice different things. We then place different
interpretations or meanings on what we observed, and we then draw different
conclusions about it. Remember that each story is not more “right” than any
other story. It just is.
For example, if your son consistently doesn’t do his
homework and is getting an F in several subjects, the story you may tell
yourself about that is, “He sure is a lazy kid. I wish he’d get his act together,
because I don’t want to end up supporting him the rest of his life. If he’d
just apply himself, he’d be fine.” But your son’s story may be, “I’m feeling so
overwhelmed with all of this homework that I don’t understand. I know I need to
deal with it, but I’m not sure where to start. And I’m afraid to ask for help
because my dad will just get mad at me! He just doesn’t understand.” You’re
experiencing the same thing very differently, and your stories are colliding.
Unless you can sort out the stories, it will be difficult for you to proceed
together to tackle the problem.
Once you have invested the time to master the art of
listening, instead of always trying to be in broadcast mode. You will astound
yourself at how quickly people start to warm to you. People love to feel that
they have been heard and understood. This small shift will help you develop far
better, trusting meaningful relationships with everyone around you. Give
listening a whirl, the improvement in your relationships will be well worth the
effort.
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